I have retreated deeper into my own world. My reality is just enough to handle, everyone else's reality freaks me out.

I haven't even been reading yahoo articles like I used to. Getting furious about the lack of a public option plan in the new health care bill, getting scared about the idea of being forced to buy insurance, wondering when something will be done to further accessibility to higher education, wondering how I will get my Sweet Dreams cherry cigarettes, thinking about where my retirement funds went to, thinking how the world is just too much for me right now. There is too much to think about, too many rules, and very few of us are actually going to "make it."

I had my renewal. I disappeared into the mountains, the Okanogan highlands where the coldest arctic winds blow. Call it a spirit quest, a vacation, plain old camping...most call it Barter Fair and I've spoken of it before.

Of course it was awesome, and incredibly cold. It dropped to seven degrees Friday and Saturday nights. Mary and Teri came as well and I slept between them to "feel like a pimp" but really it was to suck what body heat I could from them.

We huddled around our fire pits at our campsite clothed in five layers or more, not including a thick coat. Mine has lots of pockets. It was on the clearance rack at Hot Topic back in California. Everything is such a production at Barter Fair - getting a cigarette, loading a pipe, pulling out your wallet when you want to buy something (shitloads of good vendors and bartering this year, came back with lots of good scores) and especially, getting ready for bed in the freezing cold. You have to do it one at a time.

I brought my firepole, lit up at both ends and twirled and danced with it. I've gotten good at it. Then some people freaked and said put it out, it's a high fire area. I thought yeah right, there's nothing around but dirt. When I go to Spring Barter Fair, I'm just going to have to bring a fire extinguisher so no one can bitch. I drew a large crowd, many people were shouting "No, don't put it out!" They made me dunk it in a bucket of water and there were disappointed groans all around.

Of course you get so crusty. I washed my face Sunday morning before we left by boiling water on the fire. The water got muddy in my hands. A couple stood about fifteen feet away from us and the man helped his girl wash her hair with water he had heated over a fire. "That looks like it would feel good," I said. The girl laughed. "My shampoo is frozen!"

Everything froze at night. I cannot emphasize how cold it was.

That's where the reawakening comes in. Civilization is miles and miles away, and you're in the dirt hole with thousands of people tripping on acid, mushrooms and otherwise partying as hard as possible to stay warm. I put on my best bellydancing skirt and danced around the big bonfire at the drum circle. I thought of getting a drum because I like playing with those, but the cheapest one I found was seventy five dollars and I didn't even really like it.

It's nice to be home and Teri is demanding a massage from the excursion. I have at least finished most of my homework, trying not to equate the peaceful emptiness inside me as sadness.

I partied last night, something I haven't done since Barter Fair, but this was a different kind of party. A kegger.

I went with Mary, who quit Goodwill a couple weeks ago, and her friend Randy at his house. Lots of people were showing up, so I went up in a tree to watch everyone and drink my beer. Some people were thinking that was pretty weird, this guy up in a tree. It had a comfortable seat!

I was dressed up though! I wore my black fedora hat with the white plume feathers, and my nicest black shirt.

As more and more people showed up - half of them kids, underage - I realized how alien they all were to me. There were lots of pretty girls and wannabe gangster boys and wiggers. I don't normally like that kind of crowd but there was a good fire going so I hung out with Mary and Randy and the keg.

This is where I experience difficulty writing about last night. Maybe I was drunk, or there was too much to remember, or none of it flowed with any coherency. I remember a little pit bull puppy wandering around and of all the people sitting and milling around, it chose me to climb up on. I didn't mind, it was cute. I thought the puppy wanted me to pet it or play with it but it just curled up on my lap and went to sleep. I have no idea who the dog belonged to.

Josh is Randy's son, and Tasha his daughter. Josh met me before, and was incredibly tripped out when he learned what I was. At the time he asked, usually in the form of the "are you a boy or girl" question, so I told him.

Last night we were trying to figure out the stereo while drunk and in low light conditions. A random girl walks up and says, "you guys are both being retarded!" Sure, probably a little true. Josh says, "that's not a guy." I said, "fuck you, I'm just as male as you could be." I said in my head I was also just as female as that other chick thought she could be. Heh heh heh...

Then the cops came and Mary talked to them. I went around the side of the house, up behind the cops, to get to Mary. (After hiding my weed of course). The cop was also tripped out by me, because I snuck up on him. The one on the right looked quite nice in his uniform. Excuse me officer, let's go play with those handcuffs...

Later at the fire, Randy, Mary and I sat around. By this time I had quit drinking, I wanted to be able to go home by dawn. Josh was making a fool of himself, thinking the cops can't arrest him if they come back and there's any underagers around. He kept going on like that, ignorant of the fact a cop can come back here, can arrest you simply because you're rude.

"You're not from here, are you?" I said. "Cops don't need a reason here to pull you over, or search you, or arrest you. They do it if they feel like it. If you act a fool, make them mad. They're pretty corrupt here, and have a bad reputation. You don't know what you're talking about."

"I'm a gangster!" he said next. "I dare them to come, I'm a gangster."

"You're no gangster." I said. "I've known gangsters, and you're no gangster." (I've hired them for protection before). There aren't even any gangs or gangsters here in Spokane, unless you count the Russians and their chop shop rings.

"Don't even say that to me dude. Don't say that or I can drop you right now."

You probably could, I thought. I'm 100 pounds but don't think I won't stab you in the eye if you do drop me. "I said it once, why would I say it again?"

Mary got in his face to lay off me. Randy also told him to back off "his friend." I was happy they stood up for me.

"You should take what he said as a compliment!" Mary snapped in his face. She's a girl, she can get in his face.

Then Josh proceeded to tell me about his gang, his "family," his "north side." I still didn't get it, there aren't gangs in Spokane. Unless you count these wannabe ones, these wiggers. Randy got irritated with hearing about it, and Josh walked off.

Then it got weird again! I was in the garage and more people started showing up, again. Three people from I don't know where started talking to me and one asked if I was a girl or a boy, no offense. I told him and they were all really curious so I answered their hesitant questions. I try to to teach people I am not threatened by questions, but maybe it's hard to learn that. A girl walked in and said, "what's up?" The boy to my right gestured toward me and said, "this," then he felt bad but I was laughing because I understood.

They left, and the girl said, "I think you're gorgeous," which made me blush. The boy said, "thanks for telling me, you're the first I've met!" I was bummed to see them go, they were cool.

I left the garage and there was a new batch of fifty people, with more trickling in. What really fascinated me was how this new batch was all black. I've never partied with a lot of black people in one spot before.

There were these three girls, and they were white, hanging off some of the black guys. The girls were very sexy, dressed like playboy bunnies. I think they were horny, especially the one in the leopard print miniskirt and the shirt that hung to her pierced belly button. I kept glancing over at her, waiting for the scrap of fabric on her front to just slip a little...

The other girls had on tight, short mini-dresses. They looked so out of place, hanging out in a backyard by a fire with a keg instead of in a strip club.

All the girls at the party were bitches to me, especially the one who kept changing the music I was putting in for more of that hippity-hop bullshit. I hate rap! And the crap she was playing you couldn't even dance to. Then the same girl - Kara - freaked out on me when I was getting something hidden out of a closet. (This is the one that called Josh and I retarded earlier).

"This is my shit, lay off!" I finally snapped.

"Better be, dude," she walked off.

"Or what??" I said anyway. Mary texted me this morning and it turns out that girl had been going to all the girl's purses and stealing their cash. Mary wants to get back at her the next time she sees her. I wouldn't hit a girl, but I wouldn't mind putting that stupid spoiled whore in her place.

Besides sticking with Mary and Randy, I did talk a lot with Tasha, Randy's daughter. She was really cool to me, friendly, unlike the other girls. She came up a few times, saying I was so quiet and I was I at least having fun? Yes, I said. She told me all about her four children (which surprised me) and how much their dads have changed into monsters. She stuck with me by the fire when we were surrounded by all those strangers. "I don't know any of these people..." she would say, looking around.

Josh and I made some kind of peace by the end of the night. "You're my dad's friend, you're Mary's friend, so you're cool with me."

"You're threatened by me, aren't you?"

"Yes! I am threatened by it. I don't get it. Just the way I was raised. It's...fucking weird to me."

"'Least you're honest," I said. "Well, think about it for awhile and maybe you can come to terms with it."

Then we shook hands.

Randy gave me a sleeping bag and insisted I hang out, not drive, cops were still lurking out there even though it had been hours since they were around. I did believe him on that one, especially since we were on the east side of town (the worst area in Spudville) but I also felt I could now drive. And damn, was I tired.

Before I said goodbye, I told Tasha that she was the coolest girl there that night.